Helping a Child Through Grief: What to Expect at Different Ages

How children understand death at different ages

A child's picture of death changes as they grow. Knowing roughly what your child can understand makes it easier to answer their questions in a way that fits.

• Infants and toddlers: they do not yet understand what death means, but they are aware that the people around them are sad.
• Preschool children: they tend to think death is temporary and reversible, so they may ask when the person is coming back.
• Children over 5: they are beginning to understand that death lasts forever. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) notes that children from about 5 to 9 start to think more like adults about death, yet often still believe it will not happen to them or anyone they know.
• Teens: they understand that death is permanent. Mental Health America notes that teens may use jokes and humor to mask the loss, or take on adult responsibilities and look after everyone around them.

What grief can look like in a child

Adults often expect grief to look like crying. In children it can look like many things, and it tends to come in waves. AACAP notes that sadness may come back on and off over a long period, often at birthdays, holidays and other reminders.

Anger is common. A child may show it as irritability, nightmares or rougher play. It helps to remember that a grieving child does not feel in control of what has happened.

Younger children may act younger for a while, with baby talk or bed-wetting. Some blame themselves, believing that something they said or wished caused the death. Children also ask the same questions again and again, partly because the loss is hard to believe. Stomachaches and headaches can be part of grief too.

What helps a grieving child

You do not need perfect words. The supports that come up most often in guidance for families are simple, and they are things a caring adult can do while grieving themselves.

1. 1Tell the truth in simple wordsDo not lie about what is going on. Children need to hear the truth from someone they trust. Short, honest answers work better than long explanations.
2. 2Let them tell their storiesListen more than you talk. Let children express feelings about the loss in their own way, whether that is words, drawing or play. Validate what they feel and reassure them that they are safe.
3. 3Keep routines steadyRegular meals, bedtimes and school days give a child something solid to stand on during a big change.
4. 4Give choices about goodbyesA child who is frightened should not be forced to attend a funeral. Lighting a candle, saying a prayer, making a scrapbook or looking at photos are other ways to remember someone.
5. 5Tell the schoolLet your child's teachers know what has happened so they can offer support during the day.
6. 6Give it time, and look after yourselfGive children time to grieve without rushing them back to normal. Taking care of your own grief is part of caring for theirs.

When to seek counseling

Most children move through grief with the support of the adults around them. Some need more help, and the signs below are worth acting on if they continue. AACAP says that if these signs persist, professional help may be needed.

If you are worried about your child's safety

A child who says they want to join the person who died should be taken seriously. Talk with your child's doctor or a mental health professional soon.

If your child is in crisis or talking about harming themselves, call or text 988, or call 911. The 988 Lifeline is free, confidential and available at any hour. Locascio Wellness does not provide emergency services. Our crisis resources page lists more options.

How we can help

Therapists on our team work with children, teens and families after a loss. Our grief counseling page explains what that support involves, and our child therapy page describes how video sessions work for younger clients. The youngest clients we see are 7 years old. When a death has shaken the whole household, family therapy can give everyone a place to talk.

All sessions are by secure video, and clients must be physically in Pennsylvania, West Virginia or Arizona during a session. You can read about our team, then book a free 15-minute consultation to talk through what your child has been showing you. Grief is not a problem to fix, and a child does not have to carry it alone.