Helping Children Learn Self-Regulation

What self-regulation is

Self-regulation is the skill of managing your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. For a child, that covers a lot of ordinary moments: waiting for a turn, calming down after a disappointment, sticking with homework that is hard, or using words when angry.

A practice brief written for the federal Administration for Children and Families compares it to learning to read. A child's brain is ready to learn, but the skill does not develop fully without teaching, support and practice. Self-regulation keeps growing from birth through young adulthood.

Children also differ. The brief notes that some are more sensitive by temperament and more easily overwhelmed, and some face more stress in their environment. Both can make self-regulation harder. With support matched to their needs, children can build these skills.

Children borrow calm before they own it

Adults help children regulate long before children can do it alone. Researchers call this co-regulation: an interactive process in which parents, teachers, coaches and other caring adults shape and support a child's self-regulation.

What it looks like changes with age. A toddler needs an adult to provide comfort and to model simple words for feelings. In the preschool years, growing language lets children begin to use words to manage feelings and ask for help, and adults can teach skills such as naming emotions, problem-solving and calm-down strategies. Older children and teens still need co-regulation. It remains an important resource into young adulthood.

Three things caregivers can do

The same briefs describe three kinds of support that work together.

1. 1Keep the relationship warm and responsiveChildren practice new skills when they feel respected, comforted in times of stress and sure they will be cared for no matter what. That security lets them learn from mistakes.
2. 2Make the environment predictableConsistent routines and clear expectations give a child a sense of security and clear goals for behavior. A physically and emotionally safe setting makes self-regulation more manageable.
3. 3Teach and coach the skillsLike a coach on a sports team, show the skill first, then support your child in using it in the moment. Model it, give chances to practice, offer prompts, and notice small steps in the right direction.

Helping your child name and manage feelings

Skills come in a rough order. The early childhood brief describes toddlers beginning to label feelings and turning to adults for help with strong ones. Preschool-aged children start to recognize a wider range of feelings in themselves and others, and with support can use strategies such as deep breaths and self-talk to calm down.

Children need a lot of repetition, prompting and practice with these skills, and they watch adults closely to learn how to behave. That makes ordinary life the practice ground.

• Name feelings out loud, yours and theirs: "You look frustrated. That puzzle is tricky."
• Practice calm-down strategies, such as deep breaths, together and often. Children need many repetitions.
• Coach problem-solving with simple questions about what they could try next.
• State rules and expectations clearly, and use consistent consequences given firmly but calmly.
• Praise the effort when your child tries a skill, even if it only half works.

Your own calm counts

Young children are very sensitive to the emotions and behavior of adults. The brief notes that an adult who is feeling overly stressed may have a harder time calming a child. It also says caregivers who work on their own coping and calm-down skills become a more calming influence and are better able to teach those skills.

This is not a call to be a perfect parent. It is permission to take your own breath first.

When counseling can help

Occasional fears, worries and outbursts are a common part of growing up. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that a condition may be considered when symptoms are severe and persistent and interfere with school, home or play.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests seeking help when signs last weeks or months and get in the way of daily life. If you are not sure where to start, your pediatrician or family doctor is a good first call.

If your child is in crisis or talking about harming themselves, call or text 988, or call 911. Locascio Wellness does not provide emergency services. Our crisis resources page lists more options.

How we can help

Therapists on our team work with children on naming feelings, calming their bodies and solving problems, with parents involved as appropriate. Members of the team use mindfulness-based approaches and CBT, among others. Our child therapy page explains how video sessions work for young clients, and the youngest clients we see are 7 years old.

When the whole household is feeling the strain, family therapy may fit. If attention and impulse control are part of the picture, see our ADHD therapy page.

All sessions are by secure video, and clients must be physically in Pennsylvania, West Virginia or Arizona during a session. You can book a free 15-minute consultation and check coverage on our insurance and fees page. Self-regulation is learned, which means it can keep growing, for children and for the adults who love them.