Key points
- Children tend to do better when both parents stay involved and work together to keep conflict low.
- Children often believe they caused the conflict, so they need to hear, more than once, that the separation is not their fault.
- Keeping children out of the middle means no messages carried between homes, no criticism of the other parent and no pressure to pick a side.
- Your own feelings need somewhere to go that is not your child, and counseling can be that place.
Two losses at once
A separation asks a lot of a parent. You are adjusting to the end of a relationship while helping your children adjust to a changed family, often on very little sleep. Mental Health America describes it as normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused, and says those feelings can be intense. Worry about the future is common too.
It helps to give yourself permission to function below your usual level for a while. That is not the same as failing your children. It is an honest account of what a big change costs, and these reactions tend to ease with time.
What children are going through
Children can feel frightened and confused when parents separate. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, children often believe they have caused the conflict between their parents, and many take on the job of trying to bring their parents back together.
Reactions vary with age. Young children may become more aggressive and uncooperative, or may withdraw. Older children may feel deep sadness and loss, their schoolwork may suffer, and behavior problems are common.
The encouraging part is how much parents can influence. The same organization reports that children do better when parents can minimize conflict and cooperate on their behalf, and that children do best when they know both parents will remain involved in their lives.
How to keep children out of the conflict
Most parents never intend to put a child in the middle. It happens in small moments: a sigh when the other parent's name comes up, a question about what goes on at the other house. These habits are worth building on purpose.
- Tell children the separation is not their fault, and repeat it as often as they need
- Do not criticize the other parent, or discuss each other's faults, in front of your child
- Do not ask a child to carry messages between homes or to report on the other parent
- Never ask a child to choose a side
- Keep explanations simple and answer the questions your child actually asks
- Make only the promises you can keep
- If a conversation with your co-parent turns heated, pause and come back to it later
Consistency across two homes
Children feel safer when life is predictable. Keep daily and weekly routines as steady as you can, and where possible agree with your co-parent ahead of time on bedtimes, curfews, rules and consequences, so children meet similar expectations in both homes.
Perfect agreement is not the goal. Two homes will always differ a little. What helps is a short list of shared basics and a businesslike way of talking about them. It can help to keep these conversations brief, practical and about the children only.
Traditions may need to flex as well. Holidays and birthdays can look different from what you once pictured and still be good for your children.
Looking after yourself
A parent who is running on empty has less patience for hard conversations. Rest, regular meals, movement and familiar routines are part of parenting well during a separation, not a luxury on top of it.
Your feelings about the separation are real and need somewhere to go. That place should be another adult: a friend, a relative, a support group or a counselor. Leaning on a child for comfort or direction adds to the child's stress, and sharing too much of your own hurt about the other parent can leave a child feeling torn.
Signs a child may need extra support
- A young child who has become much more aggressive, uncooperative or withdrawn
- Deep sadness that does not lift
- Schoolwork that is slipping
- New or growing behavior problems
How counseling can help
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that psychotherapy can be helpful for children of a separation and for the parents themselves. If your child shows signs of distress, a pediatrician or family doctor is a good first person to tell.
For parents, counseling offers a private place to work through grief and anger so that they spill less into parenting. For co-parents who can sit in the same video session, family therapy or couples therapy can be a structured place to practice calmer communication about the children. For children and teens, child therapy and teen therapy offer a space of their own. Counseling focuses on the emotional and communication side. It is not legal advice.
Sessions at Locascio Wellness are online, by secure video, and everyone taking part must be physically located in Pennsylvania, West Virginia or Arizona during the session. You can book a free 15-minute consultation to ask which kind of session fits your family.
If you or your child are in crisis, call or text 988, or call 911. Locascio Wellness does not provide emergency services. Families do find a steadier rhythm after separation, and small, consistent choices by each parent add up.
Common questions
How do I tell my child we are separating?
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry advises not keeping it a secret or waiting until the last minute, telling your child together with the other parent if you can, and keeping things simple. Say clearly that it is not their fault, admit that it will be sad and upsetting for everyone, and avoid discussing each other's faults with the child.
What if my co-parent and I cannot stop arguing?
Start with what you control. When a conversation heats up, pause it and return later instead of pushing on. Keep exchanges short and about the children. Protect your child from the arguments themselves and from criticism of the other parent. Counseling, alone or together, can help you find a calmer way of communicating. One steady parent still makes a difference.
How can I tell if my child is struggling with the separation?
Watch for changes from their usual self. Young children may become more aggressive, uncooperative or withdrawn. Older children may show deep sadness, slipping schoolwork or behavior problems. These can be signs of distress. Talk with your child's pediatrician or family doctor, and consider counseling so that your child has someone of their own to talk to.
Can co-parents attend counseling together online?
Ask us when you book. Therapists on our team work with couples and families by secure video, and each person taking part must be located in Pennsylvania, West Virginia or Arizona during the session. A free 15-minute consultation is a good place to talk through whether joint sessions, individual sessions or support for your child fits your situation.
Sources
Published by Locascio Wellness. Published October 13, 2026. Clinically reviewed by Anthony Locascio, PsyD, LPC. This page is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis.